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These ‘things’ fall into two categories, those we can control and those we can’t.

If we feel that we can’t change the outcome of something (which incidentally is normally just a perception), we won’t even try but if we feel that we can change it, we probably will make the decision to make it happen. This is where new year resolutions come in but unfortunately in most cases, we won’t get the result that we want.

This is mainly because we often set ourselves extreme and unachievable goals… Therefore, we find it difficult quite quickly, start to struggle to keep up the momentum then get annoyed that nothing’s happening, then give up and return to the warmth and safety of our comfort zone. This is by the way no criticism, just the way it works for most human beings. The only problem is that before you know it, bang, another year is gone and as we start the process of reflection again, realise that nothing’s changed. Rinse and repeat. And again. Life passing us by…

There are essentially two things at play here and the first one is control.

We actually have more control than we often believe. We forget that everything we do comes from a decision we have made at some point in the past so if something isn’t working out, we basically need to make different decisions. Yes sometimes, life throws a few spanners in the works but on the whole, we have to take responsibility and accept that our lives reflect our choices. So if you want a different outcome, you need to change the choices you’re making.

The second issue, which is linked to the first one or sometimes derives from it, is that what we may identify as the problem is merely just a symptom of something deeper or that we haven’t learnt the lessons so keep on repeating themselves. This is often because we are not asking ourselves the right questions, purely because we assume that we know the answer.

So how do we solve this? Well it’s actually easier than you may think, because knowledge is power. All you have to do is to commit to take responsibility for your life and happiness, as well as being willing to do things differently. So what is that going to look like? How are you going to change this year and more importantly, where do you want to be this time next year?

Because yes, bad things happen (and trust me, it takes one to know one as I’ve had more than my fair share…) but what really matters is how you react to what you’re facing or the unsatisfactory situation you find yourself in. So, if you are feeling stuck in a pattern and trapped in a life you don’t want, you really have to ask yourself why. Especially if it doesn’t make you happy.

I recall a singles event I hosted years ago when I overheard someone say that the only reason why she was single was because the right man hadn’t come along. And the way she was going on about it, I felt sorry for the poor bloke who hadn’t even met her yet because it was all his fault! It’s difficult to accept at first but we have to take responsibility for the results that we get, even when we feel that we have no control. There is always another way if we are just willing to open our eyes and try something different instead of settling for what we know.

It is also ok to admit to ourselves that sometimes, we could do with a bit of help and direction in getting what we want. And other times, we can simply do it by ourselves. What matters is that we do something and tweak what isn’t working for us.

So, where do you want to be this time next year? And what are you going to do about it?

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The first thing to do is to understand what rejection really is. A pretty standard definition would be that in essence, something or someone is not wanted. In real terms, it means that we are being pushed away which is why it’s so painful.

It’s important to point out that whilst we can all at times get the impression that we are not particularly wanted or appreciated and this isn’t necessarily rejection, more our perception of something that isn’t really happening. Make sure to follow your gut instinct instead of feeding your paranoia…

Some rejections are pretty obvious and would be seen as quite major such as the end of a relationship, being excluded from our family, a circle of friends, from a group we belonged to, or even a job. If it’s something that you consider to be a major part of your life, it will affect you deeply, leaving you feeling like everything around you has crumbled and gone. In less evident types of rejections, the effect can be felt like a drip effect and happen slowly over time. It is often the combination of lots of little things that can end up leaving us feeling pretty unworthy.

In both cases, the main reason why rejection feels so bad is because we don’t have control and also, because the power of making the decision was taken away from us.

It’s essential to look at the situation in a different light because as I said earlier, not all rejections are bad and I personally think that we can all be guilty at times of wanting to fit in where we don’t belong. Think of the square peg/ round hole type of scenario. In that case, the rejection you are experiencing is not real so to speak, it’s just that you are not aligned with the beliefs and values of a particular group or person.

I know I have experienced this a number of times when I was younger, as I repeatedly tried to be liked by certain people or get into some groups. And the truth is that we weren’t on the same page. They were actually doing me a favour by pushing me away or making me feel like I didn’t belong, because I didn’t. But at the time, I wasn’t listening to it… Worse still, I was probably trying to change myself to fit in with them, creating an even bigger incongruency.

And this is the thing, we do change… But not always in the same direction. Our goals or ways of being evolve, which can sometimes affect the way we feel towards certain people (or the way they feel towards us) and why some friendships or relationships don’t last forever.

Like every painful emotion, it needs to be acknowledged and assessed, we need to understand why it’s making us feel that way. The thing is, despite all appearances, we are not always the problem but in order to know that, we need to confront it. Are you seeing a pattern? Are you pushing yourself onto the wrong people or trying to change to be accepted? If the same situation keeps on presenting itself to you, it’s because a lesson needs to be learnt. Hindsight is a wonderful thing so use it to your advantage and take a long hard look at yourself. Only then will you stop repeating the mistakes from the past and grow…

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Whilst it can be scary, it’s important to realise that change shouldn’t be seen as something necessarily positive (or negative for that matter) but as something that is quite simply needed.

We go through different cycles in life and sometimes, it’s not be quite what we had in mind… So we need to remember that change is actually usually quite slow. What happens very quickly is what’s out of our control, when our circumstances alter against our will or because something unexpected happens.

Change involves a lot of unconscious work before anything can actually occur. For instance, it‘s near on impossible for you to just wake up one day and decide that you are going to leave your marriage or change job for instance, or even something more trivial like wanting to lose weight. There will have been a lot of pondering and contemplation first, you will have thought about things, weighed the pros and the cons, unintentionally starting the process.

The problem is that we are often our own worst enemies and we choose to remain in limbo or we choose to plod through life, as opposed to actually live it. Everything we do is a decision, including not making choices. And the thing is, it’s never the right time is it? Until it’s too late of course. When the decision has been made for us.

In order for your life to change, you will need to make sure that you change the right things. What you want to change is not always what actually needs to be changed and sometimes, what we attempt to change is only a symptom of something far deeper, so you will need to assess all aspects of your life. Are your issues interlinked or separate? You will probably need to tackle just one thing at a time and have to plan the change, listing all the actions and steps necessary for it to happen.

The amount of motivation and commitment cannot be underestimated as there will be plenty of times when you’ll feel challenged and overwhelmed, when your emotions will be a mix of fear, excitement, anxiety and happiness all at the same time. The key is to understand why you are feeling or doing things a certain way and how your life will be impacted once you have achieved what you’ve set your mind to. Essentially, you need to understand yourself and why you do what you do, understand your own habits and motivations, your own self-talk, the journey, as well as learning to follow your gut instinct.

And sometimes you will fail… or at least, get the impression that you’ve failed. That might be just because you need to change direction or path a little bit and adjust your aim. In fact, at times, it may even feel like everything is falling apart around you… But what really matters is that you choose to live and be happy from today. As Lao Tzu said, the journey of a 1,000 miles starts with a single step.

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So do holiday romances have a future?

Some definitely have more chances than others but there are a few things to bear in mind.

First of all (and to get this one out of the way…), be aware of scammers. You do need to keep your wits about you and if someone is half your age, promising their undying love and wanting to marry you within a week, with all due respect (and I’m sure you are worth it) but it is likely to be too good to be true and it might be worth questioning their motives.

You also need to remember that it’s easier to fall in love on holiday. You are probably looking your best, in a good mood and the setting will be nice and relaxing, most likely sunny, you are more relaxed and probably also more open to talking to strangers (which you probably would not do as much back home).

Now these little warnings are out of the way, one of the things you should remember is that, in the same way as you should for any other new relationship, you should take it easy, lower your expectations and just enjoy the moment, and if you are to carry on with the relationship once you have both got home, there are a few things that you really should ask yourself.

The first one is to assess where do you both live and whether it is actually feasible for you two to become a couple. More importantly, are you prepared to be patient? Long distance relationships aren’t the easiest, especially when you have only spent a minimal amount of time together in an idyllic setting and away from reality.

It is obviously always difficult to know how any relationship will pan out and it is always a bit complicated to get through the different stages when the best conditions are met so before you embark on the journey, you will need to be very honest with each other and even more so, with yourselves.

Was it ‘beer/ prosecco goggles’ or is there an actual intensity of feelings and emotions? (Notice I haven’t called it love just yet….) Is it more than lust? Do you have a similar vision in life and some shared goals? How comfortable do you feel with one another, do you have similar interests but more importantly, are you both prepared to take it seriously?

It might seem a bit quick to have this kind of deep conversation but if you want to save yourself some heartache or wasting your time, then it needs to happen.

Communication will need to be regular (from both sides) but to be honest, the first month back home will bring you back to reality and you will soon find out whether the interest wanes or if it remains the same.

The truth is that some relationships will work and some won’t. You have no way of knowing which way it will go, you can prepare and create the best conditions for success but you will both have to want the same thing and ultimately, you cannot control the outcome so my best advice would be to not overthink it and just enjoy it….

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Interestingly enough, it is actually often this longing that will prevent them from meeting that person because they unconsciously put all of their hopes and dreams of being happy into a relationship. They feel that it can’t really happen if they are just by themselves and that they need someone to complete them. Therefore, their happiness becomes conditional and attached to being with somebody. Unfortunately, the truth is that you need to be happy single and on your own first.

We don’t always take the time to think about these things but it’s important to define what happiness means to you, as it’ll mean different things to different people. A good rule of thumb is that it should bring you joy, contentment, well-being and makes you feel good. And we can all have that without being in a relationship… So ask yourself what makes you happy. Take the time and write it all down, work out what you could do more of or how to get more out of life, without anybody. Happiness, like sadness or any other emotions, is a vicious circle and depends on what you focus on. The more attention you put on something, the more you’ll get.

When a relationship ends, it leaves a void in our lives and a lot of people feel the need to recreate a feeling of belonging. The person who made the decision will have already completed the grieving cycle but those who are left, often try to fill that gap as soon as they can. They miss the companionship and want to feel loved. This is unfortunately counter-productive and what they should really try to do is to take some time out, by themselves.

Before moving on, we need to rediscover who we have become and who we now are. We also should spend some time assessing what went wrong or wasn’t working well. However difficult it is to admit to ourselves, we all play a part in the demise of a relationship. Refusing to acknowledge that fact only leads to mistakes being repeated and unhealthy patterns created for the future. This is also why moving on too quickly creates issues. Finding the place where you feel happy in your own skin and in your own company is key. You might need some help in the process but no one can make it all ok but you.

So if you are struggling to meet someone, it could just be that before you find them, you need to find yourself. Not only is it essential for your future happiness but also for you to meet not just anyone, but the right person…

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