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When you keep attracting the wrong kind of people but still stay hopeful, there’s a moment where it does finally hit you – that sinking feeling. Different person, same dynamic.
It doesn’t matter how many times you said to yourself you wouldn’t end up in that situation again, you somehow do. So here you are yet again, finding yourself analysing texts, managing expectations, over-explaining yourself and sometimes even making excuses for behaviour you’d tell your friends not to tolerate.
Then you start wondering if it’s bad luck, you question yourself as to why you’re making such bad decisions… You even wonder if it’s you?
Well… It’s a pattern.
And whatever your pattern might be – it could be people ghosting you, emotionally unavailable, overly needy or whatever else – it’s there. And it’s been there, quietly in the background, driving your choices for months – or maybe even years.
What a pattern really is
A pattern isn’t just ‘something you keep doing’ – it’s a closed loop. It starts with a belief that feels true, a behaviour that automatically follows and an outcome that confirms the original belief. That loop becomes so familiar that it stops feeling like a pattern and starts feeling like that’s just how things are.
Most of this gets built long before adulthood, through early attachment experiences, the way you learned to get attention or avoid conflict, what happened when you expressed a need and all of the small moments where you felt safe or unsafe.
Your nervous system stored these experiences as evidence, which is why over time, they’ve become conditioning. Your mind assimilated this as to how connection works, how people respond or what you have to do to be ok.
That’s how these patterns are repeated thoughout your life – they’re not a choice, you’re simply replaying what your brain has labelled as familiar and expects to happen. It basically sabotages your best efforts because patterns aren’t logical, they’re automatic.
Because all of this is unconscious behaviour, you repeat what you’ve rehearsed – think of it as the emotional version of a muscle foam mattress.
How patterns keep you stuck
You’re drawn to what fits the pattern and not what fits you, so someone can look perfect on paper but leave you completely cold, while someone unpredictable can feel magnetic.
Because it’s a familiar feeling, it’s what you recognise as chemistry at first – a spark that you recognise and makes you feel alive.
Then it turns to the overthinking and the uncertainty you’ve grown used to. It’s different for different patterns and different people but things like waiting for them to text you back, changing yourself without realising it, being overly agreeable and making all the compromises or dismissing the red flags.
Interestingly on the other side of the coin, it could be never messaging first as a rule, because ‘they need to recognise your worth’ or never compromising at all, controlling what’s happening, refusing to bend and being ‘unapologetically themselves and last but not least, focusing on finding problems and red flags – or ‘having the ick’.
Whichever one you find yourself in, it’s basically two sides of the same coin: one side over-adapts to keep love and the other over-guards to prevent hurt. Neither allows real connection because you either lose yourself or you lose openness.
It doesn’t matter how many times you tell yourself this time it’s different – you will notice the same imbalance and push-pull soon enough.
The vicious cycle – for those who lean in
It begins with the spark – the rush of connection that feels instant and consuming. You lean in fast, convinced you’ve finally found someone who gets you.
Then comes the wobble – the perceived shift in tone, the unanswered messages, the small moments where something feels off. Instead of stepping back, you start analysing and decoding every detail, trying to close the gap.
Finally comes the story – the explanations you build to keep hope alive: ‘They’ve obviously not been abducted by aliens, they’ve just got a lot on’, ‘It’s early days’ or ‘I’m probably expecting too much’.
Before you know it, you’re back in the same loop, over-invested and overlooking the signs there may not even be a connection.
The vicious cycle – for those who are guarded
It starts with the intrigue – the excitement of being wanted, of possibility without pressure. You enjoy the attention while it stays easy.
Then comes the shift – they get closer, ask more and want to know you for real. It stirs something uncomfortable so you start creating distance – a slow fade, a little less effort, replying less quickly.
Finally comes the reasoning – the logic that makes the retreat sound rational: ‘They’re too intense’, ‘I’m not in the right place’, ‘I just need space’ or ‘well, that’s a red flag’…
And just like that, you’re back where it always ends, craving connection but protecting yourself from what it requires.
Why awareness alone doesn’t change anything
One of the things people can struggle to understand is that it actually has nothing to do with them and all to do with you… because what’s actually happening isn’t that you’re replaying them – you are replaying you.
This is why you’re still repeating the patterns even though you might have identified them and might even understand them.
The awareness lives in your logical conscious mind whilst they live in your unconscious mind and therefore your reactions.
So you can know better – yet still go on that date with the person who gives you mixed signals and you can spot every red flag yet still convince yourself that it’s ‘not that bad’.
In essence, that’s how you’ve been conditioned by life so breaking a pattern is definitely not about trying harder, it’s about responding differently.
Patterns are intrinsically linked to beliefs – beliefs that you may not even know you hold
A belief is simply something your brain has accepted as true, whether or not it actually is. It’s a mental shortcut your mind built to make sense of the world and keep you efficient or safe.
Most beliefs aren’t conscious decisions, they’re conclusions drawn from repeated experiences and emotional moments. So if something happens often enough or strongly enough, your brain connects the dots and files it as a rule, i.e. ‘people leave’, ‘I have to work hard to be loved’, ‘conflict means danger’.
Once that rule is in place, your brain filters new experiences through it and looks for evidence that proves it right. That’s why beliefs can feel like facts when they’re just old patterns of meaning that got stored as truth.
That’s why patterns don’t appear out of nowhere even though you didn’t choose those beliefs. That’s why you can understand something isn’t good for you and still feel pulled toward it – your unconscious is just following the old map it drew years ago.
What breaking the pattern actually means
No, it’s not about swearing off dating or vowing to ‘only choose emotionally available people’. It’s quite simply about getting to the root cause of what’s driving the choice in the first place.
You start by paying attention. Notice what happens right before you slip into the same behaviour – what you feel, what you tell yourself, what you want to avoid. All you need to do is to interrupt what you would automatically do and do it often enough so that the pattern loses its strong grip and starts to weaken – that’s how your brain will start learning there’s another option.
Why healthy love can feel strange at first
Healthy love can feel strange at first because it doesn’t match what you’re used to.
For those with a tendency to lean in, it might feel a bit boring, dull or uncertain because they’re waiting for the highs and lows that used to mean connection.
For those with a tendency to be guarded, it can feel really invasive and too much because they’re not used to someone staying when things get close.
Both sides are learning a new rhythm and new will not feel right straight away – this is where they will have to consciously remind themselves about pattern-interruption and why they’re doing this. It might feel wrong but it’s just a comfort zone they’re not used to and well, not that comfortable. In time however, you will reap the benefit.
Why taking responsibility is the most important step
The goal here isn’t to psychoanalyse yourself or the past – it’s to recognise that taking responsibility is what will allow you to move forward. You can’t control who shows up but you can control how long you stay once you identify and recognise the pattern.
It’s an extremely freeing process where you’ll genuinely wonder what took you so long and why you didn’t do it before. It’s a bit like everything, you don’t know what you don’t know but once you’ve seen something, you can’t unsee it.
Easy & practical ways to start breaking your pattern
Identify your triggers
Now you have the awareness of what’s potentially sabotaging you, it’s time to look at the cues that pull you straight back into the old loop – situations, comments or shifts in someone’s behaviour.
Slow your reactions
Attraction can’t be trusted in the first five minutes – give people time to reveal who they are. However, it might also be that you need to reframe what love feels like to you.
Stop explaining your boundaries
People who respect them won’t need a PowerPoint.
Notice how you feel after interactions, not during
It’s easy to get wrapped up in the moment but you need time to reflect properly. Disclaimer – this isn’t an opportunity for overthinking.
Be curious and don’t second-guess yourself at the first opportunity
Just because you’re seeing someone doesn’t mean you have to get married! Enjoy the process instead of over-analysing everything
What it really takes to really change your relationship patterns
First of all, your brain is likely to go defensive… Thinking either these steps are too simple or that they’re too difficult. What they are is but the opposite of what your old habits push you to normally do.
Breaking the patterns holding you back starts with acknowldging the resistance you might feel when you’re confronted with having to stop doing what you’ve always done.
Once you’re past that, you will need to recognise the loop running on autopilot in the background – the belief that gets triggered, the behaviour that follows and the outcome that proves the belief right again.
Once you can see the mechanics, you can interrupt them and question the old evidence, so that you can make different choices in the moments that matter. The point is to teach your nervous system a new version of safety and connection.
Change doesn’t happen because you ‘try harder’. It will only happen when you decide you’re no longer available for the life those old patterns keep creating.
If this resonates, it means you’re already somewhere between awareness and action – the hardest part. You’ve seen the loop and you’re tired of it but you’re also ready to do something about it.
That’s exactly why I created The Love Reset Button – because I see so many people who don’t know where to start in a practical way.
The easiest way to understand what’s really driving your unconscious patterns is to be guided. And once you know, you can start to tweak it and retrain it into what you want it to be.