The way people think relationships work
Most of us have assumptions about relationships but we rarely examine them directly.
These assumptions are unconscious and develop gradually from childhood and into our more mature years. From an early age, we’re exposed to stories and cultural narratives. Our upbringing obviously plays a part, but so do our observations of our own parents’ relationship, or of other people’s lives. And then there’s our own emotional memory.
Over time these fragments merge into a simple belief: when a relationship is right, it should feel a certain way, and it should continue to feel that way forever.
Reality however, doesn’t match that at all – and we struggle to see that. We’re sold and absorb a certain type of story from a young age – namely ‘the Disney movie’. The structure is always the same – two people meet, the tension builds, obstacles appear and eventually, they come together.
That’s when the narrative always ends. And that moment is presented as completion – not as the beginning. The audience is left with the impression that the hard bit was to find each other, recognise each other and get together, then the future naturally unfolds from there.
There’s a reason why it rarely appears in rom coms. The ‘unremarkable middle’ isn’t exactly exciting… the years where attraction coexists with routine, where intimacy changes and where two ordinary people discover what it actually means to share a life.
So the stories stop where they do. We are taught that the beginning is emotionally charged and the exciting bit. It has all the elements of a good film: uncertainty, anticipation and discovery. That’s why it’s so easy to represent, because it’s so dramatic. That’s also why we can’t stay in that initial phase forever. Literally, we wouldn’t be able to function.
The unremarkable middle is much quieter. It involves the weird little habits we didn’t really want to admit to at first, the domestic realities of life and the responsibilities that look nothing like romance when viewed from the outside (or the inside for that matter).
So if Part 2 of the Disney movie existed, all you’d see is real life. You’d see the power struggle of the relationship, the arguments over nothing, normal work life and stress, the practical decisions we have to make, and the nights interrupted by nappies full of poo – instead of the sweeping declarations of love. It wouldn’t be a blockbuster because no one really wants to watch two people at their least polished and carrying on regardless. It’s just not what fairy tales are made of.
The issue is that the absence of this second story matters more than meets the eye, because the lack of reality compounds over time. It leaves us unconsciously believing we’re entering into something that should continue to feel as it did at the beginning. It’s not so much about consciously expecting perfection, but at least continuity – because the relationship will inevitably change.
We don’t realise that the start of a relationship is limited in what it can reveal. Most of us do act differently because everything is new and because we want it to get somewhere. So we’re more attentive, we listen more and we make space differently. We primarily show the parts of ourselves that we feel are the best. As a result, we basically present a very polished version of ourselves because we’re in unfamiliar territory. That’s completely normal because there’s very little shared history to challenge assumptions, and very little routine to expose incompatibilities. All we see is potential.
So as we’re getting to know someone, we’re not really gathering evidence, we’re just being introduced to their world. The only reliable bit of information is that attraction exists, not that it will last once normal life resumes. What feels like the relationship isn’t the relationship yet.
The relationship doesn’t start at the beginning. It starts when fantasy stops.
The moment a relationship becomes real is subtle – it doesn’t come with a grand announcement or fireworks. Instead, everyday life starts to take back over and people stop ‘performing’ consistently as they relax back into their habits. The rose-tinted specs come off as they stop looking for what they want to see and instead, start seeing things for what they are.
At this point, many misunderstand this shift and what they perceive is loss – ‘you’ve changed’, ‘you don’t make an effort anymore’. The energy of the beginning is disappearing and they’re faced with the reality of routine re-appearing. Attraction can initiate a relationship but it’s not enough once reality kicks in.
What they don’t realise is that the relationship is actually moving into the more stable phase – the one thing they were waiting for. It can feel quite unsettling because nothing’s objectively wrong… but it’s not the same. It becomes easy to compare the early days to what the relationship has become, and to read that change as a problem.
This interpretation can create tension because the newfound predictability can be confused for stagnation. This is also the time when the power struggle starts and both people begin to fully establish themselves in the relationship. This means that the smallest frustrations can feel far more significant, and people may start to question the relationship. Many take that as a loss of spark when in reality, the relationship is stabilising.
What’s really happening is that earlier expectations aren’t met. The connection is tested because it’s changing – it will either disappear or deepen. In a slightly perverse way, this stage can cause disappointment precisely because it removes ambiguity. The scales fall from our eyes – habits, limitations and patterns become harder to ignore. Fantasy is replaced with who we actually are, so the question is no longer whether attraction exists, but whether two people can engage honestly with each other within ordinary life.
The quiet influence of social media
We all know that social media is curated. We all know that what we see on there isn’t necessarily a true representation of what really goes on behind closed doors. What a lot of us don’t always realise is the compound effect this constant reinforcement has on our perception of reality.
Repeated exposure reshapes expectations even when the viewer remains sceptical. Day after day, we are presented with a constant feed of what relationships should look like. What we don’t see is real life and the stuff that’s not pretty – the waiting rooms, the tired and grumpy evenings, the inevitable misunderstandings, the days when nothing special happens. No one is sitting at home actively measuring their own lives against what they see online, but the brain still absorbs patterns and quietly adjusts its internal baseline.
Over time this creates an unconscious and subtle recalibration of what relationships are expected to be. We just can’t help but compare, even when we don’t realise it, so a relationship might look like it’s lacking something.
This affects us all – single or in a relationship. A single person can begin to feel ‘inadequate’ or like they’re missing out because they don’t have that one thing everybody else seems to have, whilst people in relationships may wonder why everyone else is living their best lives and they’re not.
The problem is that social media reinforces the same incomplete narrative we discussed earlier – which can also be found in cultural storytelling. It highlights beginnings and milestones, not maintenance. It presents relationships as a series of peaks but doesn’t show the predictable troughs. When reality doesn’t match the picture we’re fed, it’s not because of deficiencies – it’s distorted.
Real relationships are built mostly in the moments that would never be shared outside of the partnership. They exist in repetition, in routine and in the small exchanges that carry no obvious meaning. Because these moments are absent from the collective picture, they become harder and harder to recognise, and also to value.
Real Relationships are built after the illusion ends
This is often confused with commitment or becoming ‘official’ – but it has nothing to do with it.
Attraction initiates connection and reality tests it. Once the illusion fades, the relationship must rely on something stable. So the question shifts from how strongly two people feel, to how consistently they behave:
- Can they communicate without assumptions?
- Can they tolerate difference without thinking it’s rejection?
- Can they handle ordinary frustration without turning it into evidence that there’s something wrong?
These are some of the foundations that determine whether the relationship being built is viable or if it’ll collapse. One of the things that’s not often talked about is that the feelings are actually the easy part. The hard part is everything else, because the idea that love should feel continuously meaningful creates pressure in the background.
Real relationships are not just heartfelt, they’re built on the way two people relate to each other – as they actually are, not as they hoped or wanted each other to be. And that’s a decision both need to make individually. It isn’t exactly Hollywood-worthy but it’s far more honest.
What real actually looks like day do day
Real relationships aren’t filled with drama, they’re quite ordinary and predictable. They represent a stable life where behaviour is repeated consistently over time:
- Communication happens without ‘performance’
- Disagreements happen but don’t escalate
- Silence means you’re comfortable, not a sign of distance
- Both people allow space for grumpiness, sadness or stress without questioning it
- Consistency is something both can trust
- Feelings are voiced, not hinted at
- Concerns are raised early and not left to simmer
This isn’t to say real relationships are easy. We all experience difficulties, but the difference lies in how they’re handled. Problems are addressed as problems, not as evidence that the relationship is flawed.
I call them real relationships because they’re not built on expectation or image – just two people showing up as they are, without trying to be anything else.
Why many people never reach this stage
Most people want stability and depth – long-term. The difficulty lies in recognising the natural transition and not getting to premature conclusions. People interpret moments without enough evidence and give meaning to behaviour before patterns have emerged -mainly because of their past, but also because they take on other people’s opinions.
Another barrier is that we are rarely patient with matters of the heart – we want immediate reassurance. Did you know that 90% of people who have tarot readings do so asking about a relationship or potential partner? That’s because we struggle with not knowing the answers. We need to prevent getting hurt at all costs – we don’t want an emotional investment that leads to nothing.
But that’s not how it works. There’s no substitute for time when it comes to seeing behaviour clearly. When people rush to define what a relationship is or where it’s heading, it’s usually driven by fear. So they create a pressure cooker environment that completely distorts how the connection develops.
Instead, they need to observe without evaluating ‘performance’ or giving meaning too early. Learning about the other person isn’t a quick process and shouldn’t be based on assumptions or dreams about what the relationship could be. One of the mistakes people make is to try and settle too soon instead of enjoying the process of discovery – which is the only way to give the relationship the chance to go somewhere.
How to adapt to the unremarkable middle
The ‘unremarkable middle’ is actually the aim – that’s what people crave when they’re in the depth of uncertainty and overanalysing. The paradox is that once our hormones and brain chemicals have calmed down, we’re nearly there. We’ve been exposed to each other’s lives – the family dynamics, the habits, the quirks – yet we’re still unsure. We’ve invested time and effort into this relationship so it’s worth trying to make it work, but because we focus on whether it’s right for us, we miss the main part – adapting to the new normal.
And it really is that simple. We now have the information we need to make a decision, so it doesn’t need to be scary. We just need to face up to what we’re presented with in an honest and fairly brutal way. It’s not as it was, but we forget that our emotional reactions are shaped by what’s already happened. The person now sharing your life may have been easier to understand at the beginning and now, everything feels more complicated – not because they’ve changed, but because you both have.
The relationship is no longer defined by potential, but by what it is.
This is just as true for new or long-term relationships, because life throws curveballs at us, forcing us to change and evolve – but change and uncertainty aren’t proof that it’s doomed. The reality is that uncertainty is unavoidable once two separate lives begin to integrate – or as they grow.
So adapting to such changes isn’t to question the relationship and what it means on your own. It needs to be a conversation – one both people have together, constructively.
The difference between stability and excitement
Excitement is easy to recognise. It creates obvious physical responses, captures our attention and makes us feel alive. Stability on the other hand can be perceived as pretty boring.
Human beings enjoy excitement and seek ways to feel that life is worth living so when they enter the stable phase of a relationship, they experience something very noticeable and often feel ‘it’s become boring’. In fact, some just enjoy the feeling of ‘the chase’, not what comes after. What they’re overlooking is that connection cannot deepen without stability. Without it, the relationship can’t survive.
Stability doesn’t only bring consistency, it also allows people to relax. They don’t need to fear being honest or having a disagreement anymore, and they’re able to enjoy a level of trust that early attraction could not provide. Sharing routines shows compatibility because the relationship doesn’t need to perform – it functions naturally.
It doesn’t mean they can’t inject a dose of excitement into their lives. The intensity of the beginning can’t be recreated, but it’s both their responsibility to make the relationship enjoyable.
Unfortunately, expectations such as ‘if they really loved me, they would do x…’ can creep in – each person expects the other to do the one thing they’re not doing (regardless of what relationship stage they find themselves in). And that’s when things can become stale. So in order to keep the relationship on track and interesting, both parties have a role to play in elevating the ordinary.
People often refer to ‘keeping the flame alive’ or translate this as ‘we must have a date night every month’. This implies effort. If it becomes a chore, it’s completely off the mark – and that’s missing the point. It’s not about turning it into yet another routine, it’s about both people making an effort in the small things, not one carrying it for two.
The behaviours that shape a relationship over time
A relationship isn’t fixed – it needs flexibility to evolve. People change over time. Whilst the relationship can hold you through difficult periods, both people still need to keep moving in the same direction.
Learning how the other person thinks
Our thinking process will probably remain the same at the core but some of our beliefs will be challenged over time. We can’t assume someone’s opinion is still the same as it was 20 years ago. It’s crucial to continue the conversations we used to have – not just for that reason, but because we all want our partner to remain interested in what we have to say, and that requires us to stay interested in them too.
Understanding their needs and previous experiences
This isn’t easy because there are some experiences they will have to carry on their own – for example, a difficult health diagnosis. Because we are not living it in the same way as they do, we cannot necessarily truly understand what they’re going through, or how it will affect the rest of their lives. Equally, because they’re experiencing a difficult time, they need to appreciate the effect it will have on us – in a completely different way.
It doesn’t even have to be something that we consider as big. Sometimes it’s the small things that show what’s really going on. We just need to remain open to what each other is handling at the time – and how it might change us – so we can protect the future of the relationship.
Discovering when we might trigger them
When someone is close, over a long period of time, certain things will start to grate – often minor. It can be the way they eat, how they respond to certain situations or how they stop doing something they used to. We also need to remember that’s also true the other way round.
Unconsciously, we know it annoys them but because it’s not addressed, we keep doing it. The problem is that over time, all these minor things compound.
Pausing before reacting
This is much harder to do when there’s history and emotion involved. It’s also easier to forget because we can feel vindicated that the other person knows us well and should/ shouldn’t do certain things.
The longer the relationship lasts, the easier it is to overreact, especially when things have been building up. Instead, each issue should be discussed on its own once we’ve had time to process what’s hiding behind the reaction. Having difficult conversations instead of avoiding them will prevent many unnecessary reactions.
Controlling our assumptions and asking for clarification
The cliché of taking someone for granted is pretty much at the root of this. We think we know everything about the person, perhaps even that we know them better than they know themselves. Let’s not forget that whilst there is an element of truth in this (we do know them), we shouldn’t jump to conclusions because over time, we will completely lose track of who they have become.
The bit nobody talks about
A relationship doesn’t only rely on chemistry, feelings or the narrative around creating ‘memories to treasure for ever’. It’s the little dull things that determine whether a relationship becomes resilient or fragile.
Unfortunately, there is a current trend that’s starting to impact relationships more than people realise. It started in social media and is seeping through everything within society, namely the ‘me first’ approach (my self-worth, ‘my truth’, my boundaries, ‘that’s how I am’, etc…)
Whilst we certainly do need to look after ourselves and protect our own interests, this obsessive way of thinking only detaches us from others – especially as some of these current buzz words aren’t even properly understood by people (you have no idea how many people have asked me what boundaries are).
But more importantly – if this really worked, why are people struggling more than ever to maintain relationships?
This is rarely discussed because it challenges the belief that a relationship should feel natural -without conscious attention. In reality, attention doesn’t disappear after the beginning, it just changes direction and instead of focusing on attraction, it focuses on understanding.
This constant self-focus is damaging people in ways they don’t fully realise. Instead of building stable and fulfilling relationships, many are now experiencing:
- Ghosting (and all of the other buzz words…)
- More and more misunderstandings (driven by impatience and little to no effort)
- Unresolved frustrations that grow exponentially
- Lack of meaningful conversations
- Unspoken expectations and conclusions
Real relationships aren’t maintained by grand gestures – they’re built through repeated small choices to engage with reality rather than retreat into assumption.
Why this feels impossible – but is still the only way forward
The difficulty is that it feels uncomfortable to be the one changing your behaviour first – especially when it’s not being matched. This is particularly noticeable in online dating, where behaviour is often mirrored rather than challenged.
People often recognise something isn’t working but continue behaving in exactly the same way.
Take someone in a marriage that no longer feels fulfilling. The same issue keeps coming up, it’s discussed repeatedly, but nothing changes. That tells you everything you need to know – whatever they’re doing isn’t working. Continuing in the same way won’t suddenly produce a different outcome. Something in the way they’re approaching it needs to change.
When people do adjust their expectations and behaviour, the relationship shifts. It may not have the intensity of the beginning, but it allows the connection to deepen. Familiarity stops feeling like a test and starts becoming something shared. Instead of relying on intensity to confirm meaning, the relationship is built on what’s actually there.
The truth
Real Relationship aren’t driven by constant emotion. Sometimes they show up as reliability, sometimes as patience and sometimes, simply as choosing to stay in a conversation long enough to understand rather than to win.
The shift is simple, but not easy. It’s no longer about whether the relationship feels right in every moment – but whether it’s stable enough to hold both people as they actually are.
Because once you stop expecting it to feel like a fairy tale, you start seeing it for what it is. And that’s what real relationships actually look like.