One of the main reasons why people come to see me is usually because they feel trapped in a vicious circle where they only attract the same kind of potential partners. The description of these can fall in many categories but the ones I actually hear the most are ‘players’, ‘weirdoes’ and ‘princesses’. So if that is the case for you too and you really can’t work out why, here it is…
The primary reason is you are not aligned with what you want and this often comes from not having dealt with emotional baggage properly.
When a relationship ends, people often forget to allow themselves to take some time to grieve. It doesn’t matter how long you were together, it is an essential part of moving on. Those who leave the relationship have often already gone through that part, whilst they were deciding whether to leave or stay. The ones who didn’t choose to end it are often left to wonder what went wrong but rarely take the right steps in assessing the situation. They often move on very quickly and leave themselves open to unhealthy patterns forming.
So how do you learn from the past?
The first thing to do is to ditch blame. Putting all the wrongs on the other one will achieve very little. There is rarely only one person responsible for a break up, as our own behaviour will influence how others react to us, so reflect on yourself as a partner too. There is never just one side to a story and whilst we may not like to see we may have played a part in the failure of the relationship, accepting responsibility is a massive step forward.
It is also essential to look at why it didn’t work out and what, if anything, could have been done (and at what stage) to change the outcome. As the saying goes, ‘hindsight is a wonderful thing’ and yet, we don’t often take the opportunity to look back when we should in order to learn the lessons.
And it is about the lessons. Your lessons. Everything you need to identify and deal with if you want to really move on.
Once you have worked out why the relationship ended, it is important to look at the person you were with and assess their good and bad points. What qualities did you like about them that you would want to find in somebody else? Analyse what you enjoyed and what worked well in the partnership as opposed to what didn’t so much. Concentrate on the positive aspects as opposed to what you don’t want.
Also, be brutally honest with yourself. Should you have got together in the first place? Sometimes, we just go along the roller coaster of emotions, just because it is nice to be wanted and have a bit of company… But was it all really working as you wanted it to? All too often, we just let ourselves slip into a routine and accept things that we wouldn’t normally because we don’t want to rock the boat or be alone.
Hollywood movies suggest we should all find the right person straight away, which couldn’t be further from the truth. We are all on a journey of self-discovery which can only happen as we meet new people and let them enter our lives. There are no failed relationships, just lessons we have to learn in order to grow so we can be sure of who we are, comfortable and happy in our own skin, not looking to somebody to make us complete. It is at that point that we will be ready to find and accept the right partner for us.
