The first Sunday of a new year is called Dating Sunday is because it’s considered the busiest day for online dating platforms. I read somewhere recently that there could be up to 350% more activity on the apps than on any other day! So how to make the most of it?
Find the right app for you
There are so many dating apps out there right now that it can put you off before you’ve even started. While recommendations are good, it might not mean that what someone else has used in the past is the best option for you, so here’s what to keep in mind:
- Do you like the feel of the app? Is it easy to use? It might sound basic but if you’re finding the technology and/ or portal difficult to navigate before you’ve even started talking to people, it will put you off and frustrate you over time.
- Check the demographics – some apps appeal more to certain ages (younger rather than older for example).
- Check locations – some will have concentrations of people in some areas but not in others.
With all this in mind, don’t pay for an app until you are satisfied that you’ll be happy with it. Use a free trial and if there isn’t one available, check the free ones first. It’s a common assumption that the paid options are better than the free ones or that you’ll get ‘better people’, but it really doesn’t work that way.
Some apps though pretty much want to know anything and everything, and not far off asking your shoe size. That’s fine if you’re a very detailed person but it’s not to say it will allow for better matches.
Use your gut feeling because you’ll know deep down if it’s the right app for you. Don’t have FOMO and join everything you come across – stick to one but if you really want to be on more , keep it to 3 maximum.
I’m actually known to have asked some of my clients to stop using dating apps but I would advise still having your profile on at least one, even if you’re not keen on them. It’s a bit like looking for a job, so think of it that way – your CV is online and some recruiters might contact you. It’s not to say you should purely rely on that though.
Apps actually make us a bit lazy and despondent. In essence, we’re just surfing through the ‘meat catalogue’ of what’s on offer, and it’s easy to mindlessly dismiss people. Just remember that it’s just as easy for them to dismiss you!
The dreaded profile
The first hurdle on most apps is writing a profile. However, it must be done!!! It gives a feel for the person and whether you should talk to them or not. If you decide to be lazy and to go for the easy option of saying hardly nothing, you’ll probably waste a lot of time later down the line.
Don’t even entertain the idea of ‘I’ll fill this up later’ or ‘Back here again because the last one didn’t work out’. It’ll make you look quite unattractive and once again, pretty lazy and not caring. I’m not really sure why so many people do it but hopefully, at some point, they’ll learn the lesson that it puts people off.
Have a hook, especially in the ‘headline’ – make it funny, intriguing, different… You are unique and so are your weird quirks so show them off. Someone will find out what you’re really like at some point anyway so again, let’s not waste time here – be the Authentic You from the start.
For example, I’m quite clumsy and very accident prone (sprained left ankle and dislocated right shoulder just this last week). Writing a headline as ‘Accident waiting to happen’ is not only very me but also not the norm amongst all of the other samey headlines. It makes it easy for someone to start a conversation too.
Keep your profile fairly short – 2 or 3 paragraphs. We really don’t want your life story at this point and also, don’t go on about how bad your previous partners were or how hurt you are. Believe it or not, that’s the case for most people!
Do a reverse search – i.e. if you’re a man looking for a woman, do a search as a woman looking for a man and see what the ‘competition’ is saying. Go at it from a positive perspective: the purpose of this exercise is to find how you can differentiate yourself from everybody else, not for you to compare yourself and spiral down the negative circle of doom of ‘they’re all better than me’. They’re not better than you, they are who they are.
By doing so, you will also notice trends, i.e. a lot of people write things like, ‘I like going out but also staying in with a bottle of wine, Netflix and chill’. Whilst you might do that too, it allows you once again to stand out by finding a way of saying it differently.
Show, don’t tell – highlight your values and what’s important to you in a light-hearted way. Status, jobs, money, etc.. can disappear overnight and don’t define a person (despite what society tells us). What will make someone good relationship material is whether or not they have the same life vision as you, as well as having qualities that you value. By being authentic and showcasing yourself, you show what you have to offer someone and a relationship. It doesn’t just make you different, it makes you attractive.
And to hammer the point in once more, be truly yourself. If you enjoy being home watching reality TV, be honest because you won’t enjoy a relationship with someone who’s out all the time, wanting to jump out of planes or hiking in the middle of nowhere.
Ditch the Checklist
Honestly, stating your long list of deal-breakers, non-negotiables, etc… is an absolute turn-off! I’d even argue it’s a form of self-sabotage because having all these requirements will make you look like hard work at best and high maintenance at worst. As a result, people won’t bother contacting you.
Also, not having this long list of what a person should do or be, will make you stand out.
I absolutely don’t agree with having a checklist and I often go on my soap box about it because all these requirements, ‘what you deserve’, deal-breakers, non-negotiables, etc… are bollocks! Sorry but they are! They are NOT the way you’re going to meet the right partner FOR YOU.
I actually saw this recently in an episode of ‘Your Mum, My Dad’ (I think it was the Australian one), where the guy literally closed himself off to someone who would have been a great match for him because of his checklist and ‘needs’. It made him overlook someone that didn’t fit in his imaginary box.
The checklist is based on your past experiences and more often than not, on the stuff that hurt you, consciously or unconsciously.
To make it easier to understand, I will use a marketing analogy – it is often said that people buy what they want, not what they need. It’s hard to believe but we don’t always know what we really need, mainly because of how our brain works and our life experience so far. Just remember that what you want is often very different from what you need. Be open-minded.
Also, when we focus on what we don’t want, it makes our brain attract exactly that, because it cannot process the negative. When someone says ‘Don’t think of a pink elephant’, the brain hears ‘Think of a pink elephant’. It’s the same if you keep focusing on what you don’t want.
Don’t wait weeks before you meet
Meeting too soon is never a good idea but nor is waiting too long. Women seem to be the worst for it to be honest. There is very little point in waiting for weeks on end before meeting up apart from wasting everyone’s time.
In today’s world, people talk to more than one person – by delaying meeting up, you are also killing some of your chances and the exciting vibe that happens at the beginning. With that in mind, make sure that you don’t restrict yourself because it is now the norm to date a few people before declaring to the world that you are ‘exclusive’. If it doesn’t feel right with you then don’t do it but I just want the best for you, which is not to miss out.
So when should you meet?
There is no tight rule here but what you need is to have enough information to know whether it’s worth it – or not. It shouldn’t take you weeks to know so if it does, don’t waste your time because it won’t be right.
If you exchange a lot of messages and get to know lots about each other quickly, meeting after a couple of days is fine. If you’ve not spoken much or very superficially, again don’t bother unless you’re looking for a hook up – you won’t know enough about the person. I’d say the maximum amount of time should be a week because you might like what the person is saying, but you need to establish if there’s chemistry – and there’s no better way than meeting in the flesh.
It’s easy to overthink things but please refrain from doing that. A first date is purely about sussing out if there is chemistry and if the conversation flows as easily as it did on the app/ phone.
Be aware of dating fatigue
The dating process can be an emotional rollercoaster and it can take it out of you. There is nothing to say how long it’ll take so make sure you don’t hit the ‘dating fatigue wall’ too quickly… It will depend on quite a few factors but we’ll only on the main ones:
- Mindset – Dating is not a chore nor is it a ‘numbers game’. It might sound counter-intuitive but it should be enjoyed! If you look at it as a tedious thing to do, it will probably take you forever.
- Timing – You might feel ready but have you really dealt with the past? Work on yourself, especially on your self-awareness and the emotional baggage that might be holding you back.
- Quality over quantity – You need to qualify people from the start. First, there needs to be enough there to have a conversation and then, you need to feel like the person could be at the very friend before meeting them. I know you’re not looking for friends but the foundation needs to be there anyway so it’s a good measurement.
- Be mindful – If you’re swiping endlessly and mindlessly, the mindset might need to be revisited.
- Don’t just focus on the apps – Yes, they have their place but there’s a world of opportunities out there…
- Be positive – Nobody likes rejection but it’s better to find out quickly that someone isn’t interested otherwise all you’re doing is wasting your time anyway. At this early stage, just take it for what it is – something that’s not for you. For example, I like tea but I don’t like green tea – that’s not to say there’s anything wrong with green tea, just not for me. Be grateful that you know where you stand and move on.
- Re-assess – If you’re not getting any messages or getting the wrong types, something needs tweaking. The first thing (and the easiest) might just be to adjust your dating profile. However, it might be a bit deeper than that because there is a lot to be said for the way we can come across. This is a growth exercise where you’ll need to do some self-reflection – you might need to revisit your communication, the past and how you’ve dealt with it, or whether you’re giving out the right vibe amongst other things.
- Last but definitely not least, listen to your gut instinct because it will tell you all you need to know… Just remember that especially at the beginning, it’s easy to confuse gut feeling with paranoia.
Easy ways to find people offline
Going back to the analogy of looking for a job, tell people that you are now actively looking for a partner because they might just know the perfect person for you… If you have a friend in common, you’re bound to have some interests or values in common too.
I don’t really want to say that it won’t come knocking at your door as it did happen to me once (and it was quite a long relationship) but in most cases, staying home won’t help. So make an effort to go out a bit more. However, you shouldn’t do that just with the intent of meeting someone, it should be with the intent of enjoying yourself – whatever that looks like for you. You’re more likely to meet someone when doing something fun.
Talk to people. Anyone. And without an agenda because you just never know… First of all, it’s good for the soul and helps you to practice approaching people, but also because that old man on the train you just spent an hour chatting to and who’s getting off at the same stop as you, may well have a son/ daughter picking them up. Remember that serendipity has a weird way of showing up.
Be open to everything and anything, in any setting. For example, it’s quite easy to spot a single man in a supermarket because what’s in his basket will give you very good clues.
And remember Henry Ford’s famous words – ‘whether you believe that you can or you can’t, you’re right’. If you want your dating journey to be a success and have a loving relationship at the end of it, attitude is everything.
